YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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