I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize