bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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