Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you would pick up someone in the library
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
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I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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