It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize