recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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