Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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