I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
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I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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