So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
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Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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