Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
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i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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