I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize