Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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