I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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