how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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