i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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