Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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