my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
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Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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