I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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