Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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