I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
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I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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