i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize