I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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