we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
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Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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