Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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