Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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