You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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