apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
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Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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