I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize