when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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