life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize