remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
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Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
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and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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