What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
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u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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