so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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