so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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