hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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