On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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