Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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