I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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