You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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