Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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