I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
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Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
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You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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