Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
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she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
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After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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