So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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