Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize