I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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