i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize