That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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