Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
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Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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