I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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