just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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